There’s a massively important memorial service for one of the actual best men I ever had the privilege to meet. It starts at 11am on Friday. We weren’t close, I just admired his grace, optimism, bravery, intelligence and the incredibly honourable way he conducted himself.
Suspect he thought I was a mess, if he ever bothered to think of me at all. We always met at events and I was often elevated and even weirder than normal. I’m normally, generally, and genuinely pretty weird. His gentle Christian kindness meant I’d never know if he disliked me, as he was such a kind, calm, well-mannered human.
We were going to change our flights to Invercargill to be at his memorial on Friday. As much as that would mean a lot to both of us, I cannot fathom being around people, particularly people who knew me only a little in my former life.
Knowing people only a little often means when we see them in settings we are meant to talk to them. Talking to people, trusting people, connecting with people, seeing the best in people, despite knowing them only a little… well that all basically culminated in me landing in the loony bin. Facts.
So, it seems prudent to avoid situations that may trigger my currently latent and well managed lunacy.
Is that reasonable? It feels reasonable.
Despite feeling calm, confident and emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy lately… the idea of re-surfacing after five blissful years of relative anonymity sends may anxiety sky high.
It is a heavy thing indeed thinking about loss and people and paths we are all on. And connection. Connection is a force I am not even close to coming to terms with, let alone understanding. Knowing people and people knowing us, is a weirdly powerful and frequently lopsided phenomenon indeed.
Mortality is not the issue that concerns me. I am deeply saddened by some recent losses as in the modern Western world it feels like expiring any time before becoming an octogenarian is somehow a bit of a rip off. Which, is a strange thing in itself if it is pondered with any rigour at all. Lifespans were half that before the industrial revolution. Life spans and mortality rates in the Mekong basin among indigenous tribal populations and other similar demographics anywhere on earth remain skewed compared to our comfort zones. Those populations are not the cause of the world’s problems and their impacts on the planet are light and perhaps many of them contribute to the web of ecology rather than detract from it.
I have only had the honour of briefly experiencing/witnessing those ways of life and then returning to my highly consumptive and privileged existence. We are connected to them and the muddy waters of the Mekong delta as much as I am connected to the great man whose life will be celebrated at the end of this week. The weight of all of it is too heavy to handle today, so I have turned, once again, to writing it down.
All of this cogitating on truth, knowledge, and my place on the planet has put me in yet another tail spin.
Rod’s family has requested donations be made to the Auckland City Mission on his behalf. Done and done. It will be an honour to support the Mission in his memory.
There’s a bunch of incredible human beings that I do not know personally who have been or are involved with the Auckland City Mission and various other projects who are something of myth and legend in our household. One particular force of nature who is and was a driving force in fundraising and organizing of the new build has affiliations with Matakana and the markets apparently. A humble, private, and powerfully good human – I don’t even know their name actually. We are lucky enough to be working with the same architects who delivered the design for the new Mission headquarters (and won national and International awards and scooted off on an international speaking tour as a result) and those founding architects mention various people involved with great respect. This mystery person I am thinking of and their work are mentioned probably weekly in my world, and everyone just says things like “oh yes, they are just a deeply good human!” or “they so much and expect nothing in return.” So, basically a living legend who flies gracefully and silently under most radars.
I don’t think there is a more beautiful or inspiring way to go through life than in this. To live your truth, know your purpose, and be a consistent vestige of hope, charity, grace, activism, anonymity, and change in a world that seems to celebrate notoriety, fame, greed, and conspicuous consumption and destruction. To live a truth couched in the concept of amazing things being accomplished when you’re not concerned who gets credit. I know that this is the life so many people are choosing and knowing this is a constant source of hope in a sometimes dismal world.
I guess, what I am trying to say, is that there’s incredibly powerful people still on this planet right now. And knowing they exist is something I need to be reminded of today.
So, despite not being able to conjure up the strength to attend the memorial, the legacy of connection, climate action, kindness and calm he exuded has left the world forever changed for the better.
We are all connected, not just people to each other, but every living being is connected in the web of life and we are all infinitely miraculous by our very nature and existence. Why we can’t be kinder and gentler to each other knowing this is a mystery to me.
Life. It’s a lot.
Who knows how long any of us have left.
I just want to live a good, quiet, gentle life knowing myself and my limits and knowing and respecting other people’s paths and journeys and celebrating the good that each of them are able to perpetuate in their miraculous, magical lifetimes.
Be in to win! Again. We were overwhelmed by engagement on the February Love Letter to yourself competition – and will be carrying on and running that in 2025 as it was an inspiring endeavour.
Feedback was that the brief was too loose and it was far too difficult for most people to write kind and encouraging words about themselves. So let’s take the lens off deep and difficult inner work and capture images of our natural world this time instead shall we?
We listened, and have changed trajectory for this next competition and we hope you are happy with our planned promotion and enter in droves!
In very simple terms:
Submit an image/reel/clip/gallery of something in Aotearoa’s naturally wonderful and bountiful natural realm and be in to win.
We want you to share your love of the beautiful biodiversity and breathtaking natural wonder here in this antipodean paradise. Feel free to take an up close pic of a leaf or bird or share a clip or reel of you on your favourite tramp/hike through any of New Zealand’s naturally awe inspiring landscapes. Must be under a minute long, and can be a single image or a clip or video you stitch together.
Here are the long form Terms and Conditions – We will be accepting entries from April 1st until April the 30th. The timing coincides also with international Earth Day (April 22nd) and so we want to help celebrate and promote nature in all its glory here in Aotearoa as a part of this celebration.
Aotearoa is Amazing – Nature Photography, Reels, and Clips Competition Terms and Conditions
ENTERING A PHOTO, REEL, OR CLIP IS CONSIDERED AND DEEMED ACCEPTANCE OF THESE TERMS AND CONDITIONS:
PROMOTER: The Promoter is Deemon Creative Limited (also trading as Matakana Retreat). Prizes and funding is provided through the sponsorship of Deemon Creative.
ELIGIBILITY: The competition is open to anyone who resides in New Zealand, except employees/contractors/trustees associated with or employed by Matakana Retreat, Deemon Creative Ltd or the Dee West Trust. This includes any competition sponsors and judges and their immediate families.
HOW TO ENTER: To submit a photo, reel, or clip for entry in the competition the submitted content must meet the terms and conditions of the competition and adhere to one or more of the following upload/submission criteria:
Uploaded to one or more of the Deemon Creative/Matakana Retreat or Dianna Joan Birchfield West or Damon James Birchfield West social media platforms or tagged to one or more of those pages INCLUDING the hashtag(s) (#) #deemoncreative #matakanaretreatphotocomp24.
Sent directly by email to Dee or Damon through the Deemon Creative website
PHOTO SUBMISSION PERIOD: Entries into the competition will be accepted from April 1st through to April 30th 2024. The competition period may be changed at the promoter’s discretion.
PHOTO, REEL, OR CLIP REQUIREMENTS: Any content submitted must clearly include nature and the natural world of Aotearoa/New Zealand and meet reasonable standards of decency as well as clearly meet the following requirements.
Photographs must be taken in New Zealand and be specifically related to admiration/celebration of the natural world/nature.
Amateur and professional photographers/videographers alike are encouraged to engage in this competition. Prizes will be allocated to winners who are chosen by an anonymous panel of judges throughout the competition, and final prizes will be subject to votes tallied. All decisions are final.
Photographs and videos can be submitted as reels or clips and in any safe and secure format the entrants are happy to use.
Entries must not have been a winner in any other photographic or other image competition or be currently submitted for any other competition.
Content can be landscape or portrait and must be suitable to be used for further promotional purposes for any/all of the aforementioned promoters and sponsors. In simple terms, if you submit we can share your picture on our pages.
Content can have humans or animals or no humans or animals. There must be a clear and present connection to the natural world in your entry. Take a picture of a spider web, a timelapse of a moonrise, a snap of a beautiful vista, a selfie of you and your main squeeze in your favourite forest in Aotearoa. Just celebrate the natural world here in New Zealand and you are in to win!
The description of the content must specify the date and place of the submission.
As a winner the content’s name and image may be used by Deemon Creative Ltd for promotional purposes. Deemon Creative, Matakana Retreat and Dianna and Damon Birchfield West have discretion to determine whether or not a photo meets the above requirements
Deemon Creative retains consent from entrants for commercial use of winning images, including the overall winner. Deemon Creative does require exclusivity or sole ownership, it is the submitters copyright; however entry means you consent to our use of your submission for our own promotional materials (and to show the world how beautiful our island nation and its natural wonders are).
Single visual/digital images or clips of up to 60 seconds (one minute) long are eligible to win.
NUMBER OF ENTRIES: Individuals can enter up to one photo per week for consideration as a top ten finalist.
HOW TO WIN: 10 finalist photos will be selected by the promoter and sponsor. We will be looking for diversity, originality and creativity of the composition, and how much joy and calm is piqued by your pics and framing of your photo (words you use in your post/submission).
Thumb drives or links to drop box or any other storage platforms can also be accepted (you can mail us a thumb drive or email us a link, we will distribute and promote top 10 images/clips as long as you get it to us and make it clear that the image is intended as an entry and you are complicit to the terms and conditions of this competition.
Once the 10 finalist photos or clips are chosen, all content will be made accessible in a gallery on the Deemon Creative website and also posted across various social media sites for one calendar month – the month of May 2024. Anyone can vote on their favourite through the website or by likes and comments on social media postings of the 10 finalist pictures/clips. The grand prize winner and runners up will be announced before June 30th 2024.
The decision of the promoter is final and no correspondence will be entered into concerning the competition’s judging and organisation. Once each winner is announced, all ownership rights to non-successful entrants will return to those entrants.
Weekly spot prizes throughout April may be issued by the judging panel. Winning a spot prize does not guarantee a spot in the finalist line up.
VOTING PERIOD: The competition will conclude at the end of the month and voting will open at the start of the next month at the discretion of Deemon Creative, Matakana Retreat and Dee (Dianna) and Damon Birchfield West.
HOW TO VOTE: Each of the 10 finalist winning submissions from the month’s competition will be posted to www.deemoncreative.com and also across any number of the Matakana Retreat/Deemon Creative Facebook and Instagram pages. Promoters are dedicated to posting all content evenly and together across any/all channels to ensure fair and reasonable exposure of finalist content.
Anyone on earth with access to the finalists digital submission can vote for their choice by liking the photo or sending a vote through the website.
NUMBER OF VOTES: A voter can only vote (like) once for an individual submission on each channel/platform but may vote for as many submissions as they like. A person may vote for their own work.
SOLICITING VOTES: A monthly winner may share their photo on their own pages or on any page they like and solicit votes from their friends and family. Soliciting votes from online “vote for me” websites or buying likes on Facebook is not allowed and will be deemed invalid. In any sort of large scale voting, the promoter will investigate to make sure there has been no foul play. The promoter reserves the right to discount any votes deemed invalid or to disqualify the entrant all together.
WINNER NOTIFICATION: We will contact you on DM or through email to let you know if/when you win a minor or spot prize and we will also let you know if you make it to the final 10 top submissions.
PRIZES: The organisers can issue spot prizes of their choice throughout the competition.
The grand prize winner (submission with most votes) of the overall competition will receive $500 into a nominated account of their choice.
The runner up will win a $250 voucher to be put toward accommodation at the Matakana Retreat’s awesome Glamping site and is subject to availability and can be transferred/gifted to the person of the winners choice or used by the ultimate winner. The prize must be redeemed within 12 months of being awarded.
ANNOUNCEMENTS: By submitting a competition entry, each entrant hereby agrees to participate in any publicity related to the competition. Entrants and winners in the competition agree that their identity may be disclosed in winner announcements and promotional material. Winners also agree to have their image used for publicity purposes without any payment being made.
PRIZE ELIGIBILITY: The promoter cannot be held responsible for the winner being unable to redeem their prize.
PHOTO, CLIP, REEL ENTRY USAGE: By making a submission the entrant agrees to allow the promoter permission to use the image for the purposes of promoting Deemon Creative and Matakana Retreat New Zealand or the competition, now and into the future, at no cost to the promoter.
CONTENT TALENT: By making a submission the entrant declares that they have the permission of all individual(s) captured in photo(s) to share and publish their image (where the image shows any persons under 18, the consent of their parent/guardian has been obtained) for full usage rights by Deemon Creative and Matakana Retreat and indemnify against any claims made by any third parties in respect of such infringement.
By submitting an entry, the entrant declares that they have received any necessary permissions from the owner(s) of depicted background objects including land, and buildings included in submitted images for the usage rights required.
IMAGE COPYRIGHT: In submitting an entry, the entrant declares that they have taken the content and own and have sole and complete intellectual property rights for their work. The entrant will indemnify the promoter against any claim, loss or costs incurred by the promoter where a third party claims ownership of the rights to an image or other form of content supplied. The promoter reserves the right to request proof of ownership.
INSTAGRAM/ FACEBOOK: By entering this contest you agree to release Instagram/Facebook of any liability or obligation related to the entry and you acknowledge the promotion is in no way sponsored, endorsed or administered by, or associated with, Instagram/Facebook.
CONTRACT LAW: All agreements and contracts shall be subject solely to New Zealand law and the exclusive jurisdiction of the New Zealand courts.
ENTRY FORMAT: Acceptable entries will be supplied as files from either digital cameras or smart phone cameras or electronic scans. No images supplied in hard copy can be accepted.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Entries may not be acknowledged or returned. Participants have the obligation to ensure entries are received on time. The promoter can choose to keep or remove images from the gallery on completion of the competition should they wish to do so. Entrants can request removal of their images by contacting the promoters and/or sponsors.
CHANGES TO COMPETITION: The promoter reserves the right to change the prizes throughout the competition.
PERSONAL INFORMATION: The collection, use and disclosure of personal information provided in connection with this competition is governed by the Privacy Laws of New Zealand. Your personal information shall not be provided to any third parties without your prior consent but you do authorise the promoters and sponsors to be able to contact you with information pertaining to the competition or related promotions.
We are all intertwined with other people, whether we want to be or not. Some of the people are good and “on the side or the angels” as my beloved character Captain Picard was described in that series. Meanwhile, some are selfish, insecure, incompetent, and manipulative and bask in the comfort of a status quo that is devoid of equity, meritocracy and justice – but rather rewards Machiavellian shenanigans. Trying to be couched in kindness and clarity does not guarantee you safety from the latter nor a place at the table with the former.
And I am so incredibly exhausted by all of it.
The last five years have allowed me to be an eccentric and enigmatic hermit in many ways and it’s been wonderful. I don’t need anything from anyone, and everyone I know has a profound respect for the tenacity with which I guard my privacy and mental health. Even my bad days are infinitely better than good days were when I was swimming in the shark tank and walking through the venomous snake pits of days gone by.
Currently, however, at this stage of my healing, I am angry a lot of the time. That’s not a great stage and I am working on getting past it and into a smoother less angry part of my own evolution.
So what am I mad about? Well, I’m angry that kindness is far too often mistaken for weakness. Angry that I let myself be exploited and manipulated by craven and conniving … – erm – there is a word I always use that lends itself to the alliteration vibe I was just on – feel free to fill in the blank… I’ll just say cowards. Anyway. I am angry that I can’t even walk away from some dumpster fires of posturing and pusillanimous game playing that are alight in my peripheral vision. I yearn for the day I am completely emancipated from misogyny, greed, and mediocrity. I no longer wish to be adrift on a sea of Dunning Kruger-esque secretive and conniving confidants that pat themselves on the back about a job well done as they re-arrange the deck chairs on the Titanic. I handed in my resignation from these games a long, long time ago, but continued arrogance and incompetence and a legacy of poor decision-making leaves me vulnerable and all I want to do is get on with a meaningful last half of my existence on this earth.
Unfortunately, those strings tying me to a world I have no desire to be a part of remain. It would be fantastic to turn a blind eye, but I can’t just ignore it and hope it all works out. Sadly this is not an option while I have so much actual “skin in the game.”
This made me realise everyone on earth is probably stuck tied to things they’d like to cut the strings to, and be released. Jobs, mortgages, loans, conflicts, feuds, responsibilities, toxic relationships, even our own trauma. And perhaps it is true, that life is just learning. Learning to pick battles, learning to be vulnerable and tough in the appropriate situations. Learning to let go and hold on. Learning to Love and be Loved. Learning to grieve. Learning to rejoice. We are all just learning.
And that brings me to the point of today’s blog. What I have learned and wish I could have realized when I was much younger – Calm and self-sufficiency is power. Engineering an existence that includes interludes of storm-free (sturmfrei) self-care is an incredible resource that everyone can have, but few people actually demand.
I have a story. There’s a human being we are blessed to know who was on the brink of becoming an international position which would have assured them financial comfort and global respect. They are smart, competent and called to greatness. As that incredible honour edged closer, this person realised how profoundly difficult and punctuated with power-dynamics the system they were working in was. Long story short, they turned their back on their life’s work to pursue a quiet and meaningful life and so far, they are living much more happily ever after – after shuffling priorities – than most people. They are still called to and creating greatness, but greatness is not what they seek. Inspiring.
I know things are going to be okay. I also know some things will not be okay. And, perhaps most importantly I know that I can’t change all these things. There is precious little aside from my own thoughts and deeds that I can change in my time on this earth.
So my choice is to sit in my own self-assured and reflective power and be storm free for a little while. Being alone and unburdened for a bit is a magical space indeed.
We have the farm. It is a source of a lot of heartache and stress as we strive to create a safe and natural retreat for ourselves and others to regenerate and renew and be face to face with a natural world most people are drifting farther and farther away from. So when the passive aggressive dumbassery of the system we operate in all gets too much, we have a place to retire to and see growth and improvement and a delicate and thriving ecosystem replete with biodiversity. The farm wraps us in her arms and nobody but our team and occasionally a few beloved neighbours have access to us for a few days here and there.
Some people have a craft room or reading nook. Other people have a nature walk or beach that they return to when storms are raging.
I think all I wanted to say today, is I hope you are having a smooth sail or cycle in your life, but if you are not, and if today there are storms storming, find shelter and clarity. Storms will swell, and they’ll rage on and burn themselves out even if you find a safe space to get centred for a spell.
And yes, today I am going up to the farm and I will see out team and our incredibly cute chickens being the lovely creatures they all are. Then we intend to carry on to Whangerei where we will stay in a lovely off-grid whimsical treehouse for two nights. The hosts are lovely and kind and willing to share their knowledge as so many people in this new industry are.
And there’s something to be learned from stormy and smooth phases in our journey. I just hope I am a worthy and willing student as it continues to ebb and flow around me.
The Love Letter to Yourself competition has now stopped accepting submissions.
Here are screenshots of one of our three winning submissions from the ever enigmatic, clever, creative and kind Jo Forest!:
And here is another winning submission from Sev Ozan – who happens to also be a published international children’s book author. The standard of our submissions was super high and EVERY single submission moved me, sometimes to laughter and sometimes to tears.
I’ve learned so much and am honoured and impressed by all the talent, creativity, honesty, and effort that exists out there in this often chaotic world.
A Grand Prize winner has also been chosen and already received their preferred prize ($1000NZD). I will be hosting them for a fireside style chat that I will add to my YouTube channel and which will double as the grand reveal!
Every single entry was earth shatteringly important and beautiful to me, and I wish everyone could win for showing such bravery and creativity.
About half of those who shared have asked to keep their work and identities anonymous and it is a privilege and that is a duty I take very seriously. I will hold your words and your efforts close to my heart and not share them further. However. I want you to know that I see you and your bravery and creativity with Love and feel they are so full of hope and possibility – as a whole person and as a talent in whatever medium you chose. We had letters, essays, poems, pictures and even as we’ve seen a crossword submitted.
I must confess to you all that while I am pleased about the conversations that have evolved, and overwhelmed with the calibre and content of the entries, I am also a little saddened.
Far more of you have reached out to or told me in person or through various mediums that you tried and could not find the words or a way to express Love for yourself. This feels like a tragedy. An epidemic of self-loathing or doubt. I cannot sit idly by knowing so many amazing human beings can’t find a way to express admiration for their magical, magnificent selves.
I had no idea how confronting and difficult it is to say nice things about ourselves for so many women. We have apparently been programmed to feel shame for acknowledging our magic, impact and self-appreciation.
My thoughts? This has got to change! And as you know me, I now intend to be a pebble in this pond of self-deprecation and doubt. I plan to send out ripples of acceptance, acknowledgement and appreciation of self across the stagnant pond of shame and imposters syndrome.
It is time we all felt confident enough to say “HEY WORLD! I’m here, I myself am enough, and THESE are the things I Love about me and I don’t give a good goddamn if that makes you uncomfortable. I am a queen and shall SLAY all day in my very own unique and magnificent way!!!”.
So. Watch this space because we are going to be making an announcement soon about two workshops we plan to run where we are going to compose some dastardly positive and lyrical poems to our beautiful selves.
In the meantime, what a journey, what a privilege. What a heartbreaking and harrowing truth to face that we clearly have some stuff to address, and it is time we all learned to fall in love with our very own selves. Let’s get this particular party started ladies.
Keep your eye on the Deemon Creative website for future competitions and events. We are stepping it up a notch in 2024 and making sure there’s fresh content and coverage of our journey through life and on the farm.
HUGE Love, Aroha nui, nga mihi
and THANK YOU for reading and supporting our work.
As we begin another new year filled hopefully with some sense of optimism about 2024, I want to provide an opportunity for women in New Zealand to think about what they love about themselves. We all know the adage until you love yourself you can’t properly love anybody else. So let’s take a moment to do just this!
To progress this vision I have put aside some resource to further encourage you goddesses across the country to tell me and my team about what you love about yourself.
So. Let’s do this!
This year I want to focus my efforts and some resource towards empowering other women and providing support and encouragement to try new and sometimes scary stuff, to break toxic cycles, and be generally an improving version of themselves. To create a virtuous cycle so more women and allies can turn around, reach out, and lift one another up. And so it continues.
So, here’s the deal!
Creative Competition:
The winner gets to choose one of the three following prizes:
2 Nights at the Matakana Retreat Glamping experience in the next 12 months (subject to availability – must be booked in advance).
2 Tickets to the March 9th P!nk show in Auckland (I am in no way associated with the promoters, or P!nk, I literally just purchased 3 tickets on ticket-merchant and am keen to see someone who would appreciate the concert attend). The reason this is a prize is because this goddess personifies strength and encouragement.
1 $500.00 cash prize. This one is really super simple. If you win I’ll pop that amount into a nominated account for you.
The Competition:
Love Letter To Yourself!
Deliver a message of Love and gratitude to your own, wonderful, magical self.
This can take any creative form. You can paint/draw/sculp a self-portrait of your beautiful miraculous self. You can write a postcard or letter of kindness and encouragement in longhand and mail us a copy. You can do a talking head, make a YouTube video, write and/or read a poem. I do not care how you deliver it and I can’t wait to see you send yourself some sweetness. Talk yourself up, get vulnerable, be brave, be funny, be tender, and have fun! We will definitely reward creativity in how you deliver your entry.
So that’s it. The competition runs from February 1st to 21st. I’m hoping you will share this opportunity with all your friends and family. Any age of woman can enter but if a minor wins and wants the tickets they will need a guardian to bring them obviously.
And that’s it. I will do a few examples of Love letters to my own self that will hopefully make you giggle and smile, and certainly make a few people cringe, and we will all go on this joyous journey together.
There have been earthquakes on the Northwest coast of Japan all day today. While I was checking into our hotel at around 4pm with my daughter, she had a nauseous feeling then felt the quake. We are hundreds of km away from the epicentre and felt the shaking enough that it made me incredibly nervous.
We got to our floor (10th) and there were half a dozen English speaking people milling about concerned in the hallway. Apparently it was enough to scare one woman who just arrived from Australia out of the shower and she was in her pyjamas joining the chorus of questions from everyone else.
That was when my daughter discovered it was a 7.6 magnitude quake, and that was the point I freaked out a little. Images of the quake and tsunami that damaged Fukushima and swept away tens of thousands of people flashed through my head as I looked at my daughter and wondered what on earth I would even do in such a catastrophic event. Damon and River were at Haneda airport just on their way to the hotel after catching the Shinkansen from Kyoto earlier in the day while I drove the rental car with Steph. Daniel was out with his friend Nick who is also in Japan doing some shopping for his friends.
I felt… Helpless. The force of nature is quite seriously awesome. If an earthquake, hurricane, tornado, wildfire, or any other force majeure hits it’s down to fate what happens to whom. The wobbling waves today that seemed to just keep rolling were a reminder that humans are itty bitty powerless little ants on a picnic blanket and nature is in total control of when she shakes or blows.
The aftershocks are still rocking the settlements on the other coast and have been going all day. We’ve felt nothing since the three major jolts that were felt here in Tokyo.
Everything is more or less carrying on here in a calm and orderly fashion.
Who knows what is next here or anywhere.
All the kids are in rooms next door and we are all in the same space after Damon and I ventured out and did a four hour trek to drop off our rental car at Narita and then return to Haneda. Everyone was talking about the quake and most people felt it.
We talked to and met more people in a few hours after the quake than we have engaged with in the entire 12 days we have been here. It was a unifying force and a conversation starter. The vast majority of people were incredibly calm, some less so. But we all shared something and we have all seen what the worst case scenario is if there’s a series of huge shakes.
So that’s all I have to say today. I don’t even really have a point to make.
I just hope that for the sake of the people here and near here that the ground decides it no longer needs to shake.
At 45 years of age I find people to be fascinating, terrifying, exhilarating, exhausting, disappointing and magical in varying degrees.
Friendship is messy, magical, magnificent and opens opportunity for adventures that are only possible to enjoy when shared. It is kind of a really big deal to open a bit of ourselves (especially after being hurt) and let someone get close. There are also people we Love very much but for some reason or other we just fall out of step with each other, for a short or long time, and sometimes forever. Letting go is okay. Taking a break for a bit is okay. Losing touch and re-discovering people is okay. Holding on and cherishing people consistently is okay. Holding on too tight is probably not actually okay because you can suffocate or wither away waiting for validation you’re never going to get.
You are the boss of your life and the kind of friend you are is going to have a direct effect on the kind of friends people are to you. So be a good one and find a broken that fits, because at our point in life everyone has some kinda broken. Trick is finding complimentary and supportive dumpster fires and enjoying warming in the glow of each other’s authenticity and chaos.
I’m the kind of friend who roars in and out with very little rhyme or reason, but when I am with you, you are my whole world. I see you, I appreciate you, I am honoured to be sharing the blip on the time space continuum with you when we do. And if, for any reason, I take a moment away or fall out of touch for a bit, I will respect us both enough to tell you why I need some space and won’t carry any beef or bad feeling while this is in place. We find each other when we need to and if someone I Love needs me they can call on me anytime and I will do my best to step up, regardless of where I am or what I am doing. And that is exactly the kind of friend I want to have and be.
Does that make sense? I do hope it does.
For the past five years I have been rebuilding a life from the ground up after leaving an unhealthy marriage and ridiculously busy and soul shattering career. It has been a roller coaster of realisations. Life is simpler these days as I’m no longer powerful or important enough to a myriad of fake friends I once let into my precious inner sanctum and circle. This is a blessing I take time to be thankful for every day. Also, people who I may have completely overlooked or been unable to connect with have become my foundation. Reasons, seasons and lifetimes. Those cheesy memes and motivational posters are based on some sound wisdom it turns out.
My worst days of late are far safer and more satisfying than days I felt for fleeting moments like I was soaring in my overly designed and choreographed highlights reel of a hellish former existence. Don’t think there ever would have been the opportunity to pursue the peace I now enjoy had it not been for a complete and total meltdown and reboot. And that makes me wonder if chaos, emotional carnage and deep and life altering disappointment are perhaps necessary parts of being able to live an authentic and meaningful life.
We can unpack that another day though. Or not. I just want to talk about some of the changes that have happened and created a life of health and healing, and maybe you’re in a place where you are keen to apply some of my hard won wisdom to your own life. Or not. That’s what is great about me writing and you reading. Take what you need/want and leave what does not serve you.
Friendship Green Flags
Laughter – Laughter is medicine. Like ACTUALLY! There are so many studies saying so. It can defuse difficult situations (or pour gasoline on the metaphorical fire if pulled out in the wrong context). Friends who you can laugh with are the salve on the wounds handed to us by the slings and arrows of our detractors, enemies, and struggles. Laughing with trusted friends at people and situations who have really hurt us takes away the power from the perpetrators and places it back in our hands. Laughing about things that make us cry takes out the burn of a very complicated and difficult life. Finding people you can laugh with, and who find the same or similar things funny is an immeasurable gift.
Lifting – Surround yourself with allies and champions. People who will actively mention your name in a room full of opportunities, and brag about you rather than bitch about you behind your back are the only friends you need. A true friend is excited and energised by your success, as you ought to be by theirs. Respect, vulnerability and authenticity is the foundation of an uplifting relationship. You don’t have to measure this stuff in time spent together and there’s no tally to be taken between friends, you simply hold space for each other and are gentle when the chips are down and amplify and encourage your people when windfalls and magical moments are upon them.
Love of Some of the Same Stuff – When you can geek out and let yourself really enjoy something with someone it is a huge green light. I’ve found peace and healing and friendship in lots of quirky communities like Star Trek cruises and Women Who Get Shit Done conferences. Having fundamental core beliefs and passions can bring people together and make us feel safe and seen in an often cold and cruel world. Lately I am growing deep connections with witchy women like myself, who have had enough of misogynistic BS. We catch up for cheese and chats or just cheer each other on from the sidelines, but right now calling a woman I love one of my witches is about the highest compliment I am able to give. We are powerful and we are pissed off. And our magic is undeniable.
Honesty – People who are healing and doing the work on themselves that needs doing will tell the truth, to themselves and to you. Even, and most importantly, when that truth is difficult. We all know people who would rather be kissed with a lie than smacked with the truth, and those people surround themselves with sycophants and yes-people. They can have each other while we live out on the periphery of their fake little house of cards, real talking with beautifully broken besties. Friends will tell you the truth and not couch things in white lies. If myself or a friend is not up to a catch up we simply say so. We don’t make excuses or lie about it, we just say: “I need my duvet and a good cry, so I can’t make dinner” and that’s that. They’ll also tell me if I mess up, and, equally as importantly, tell me when I am doing well – and all that genuine virtuous cycle of truth is reflected back and forth in healthy and meaningful relationships.
Learning – There will be rough patches and fall outs and failings in any friendship. Friends get you comfortably out of your comfort zone and sometimes things go smoothly and sometimes they do not. Really epic and magnificent friendships are always learning about themselves and each other and growing into better, kinder, funnier, more honest versions of themselves. Learning takes losing from time to time, so falling flat and having friends who pick up you while still laughing with you through the tears of defeat is kinda the best we can hope for. Fair weather friends who want/expect even keeled stuff just aren’t going to bring or find magic, so be open to learning in your relationships with others and yourself.
Friendship Red Flags
Conditions vs Boundaries – From zero boundaries to being a complicated but beautiful spider web of boundaries, I have made a total transformation. You will probably already intuitively know the difference between boundaries and conditions. Boundaries keep us and the people around us safe. Conditions are transactional. I used to give everyone whiplash because it was all go at full throttle one minute then I’d disappear without a word the next. These days, I am far more consistent and far less available. Only people who make their intentions and expectations clear and reciprocate friendship with effort and enthusiasm remain. We don’t need constant connection but can ebb and flow with the currents of our lives because we are all busy and dealing with stuff. Friendship does take nurturing, but if you are given a long list of terms and conditions in a relationship, then you should probably red flag that. Boundaries good, transactional conditions not good.
Snippy Sniping – If someone you let in/trust is forever gossiping and backstabbing and complaining about other people, chances are excellent they are doing the same to you. Do not walk but RUN away from those people. Occasionally blowing off steam and having a good solid moan about people in our lives with trusted friends is not only acceptable it is necessary, so know the difference between offloading and snippy sniping when you are giving or receiving either.
You know what… I have run out of steam for this blog but want to post more consistently so will stop abruptly there and post this up anyway.
Thanks so much for reading and I hope you have a lovely day.
There has been a lot of robust conversation about gender roles lately. I LOVE it. The Barbie Movie has been an incredible mirror held up to reflect our society’s misogyny. Even though I haven’t managed to get to see it yet, I am very excited about the message and have America Ferrara’s “It is literally impossible to be a woman” monologue committed to memory. It is tattooed on my tired, overly mansplained to, consistently underestimated, thrown under the bus, definitely broken heart.
I’ve married a man who was born, raised and surrounded by strong women. Interestingly, long before we started dating he was nicknamed the “Kiwi Ken Doll of Sustainability” by some of my then acquaintances. I am not going to mince words here, my life partner is a total snack. He’s got cheeky blue eyes, beautiful chiseled features, broad shoulders and big biceps. He’s a smidge over 6 foot tall and spends a decent amount of time ensuring he looks pretty dapper. This human chops wood and cooks good and is incredible at countless things in between these traditionally opposed gender specific activities.
Here’s a selection of pictures from the past year that illustrate my point here:
And THAT is what I want to discuss with you today. Gender roles.
Some months ago I made a rare appearance in public to meet with the leader of the Green party at a lunch. As is custom for me, I gravitated to the women in the room and sparked up confronting and meaningful conversations with a group of goddesses at one end of the table. I asked many questions, but the one that really stuck was this:
Q: What do you as a woman need to succeed right now?
Now, I was expecting to hear things like; Respect, less mansplaining, seats at the table where decisions are made, more strong female role models and leaders, pay equity… or any number of answers that I’d have probably given.
The answer that came and absolutely floored me and haunts me with its clarity was this:
“I need a wife.”
It took several days for this to sink in. But yes. We need wives. Wives throughout history have been conditioned to nurture, support, cook, clean, provide, forgive, satisfy in the bedroom, entertain, raise kids, look good, lift others, and have and perform a never-ending list of other activities and qualities.
Here’s the thing. A traditional western nuclear family will produce a dad who, if he changes a diaper, takes the kids to the movie, cooks or cleans the house is then offered applause from society and all his family and friends that is deafening. What a good sport (we HATE the term “sport” and find it patronising if anyone calls us sport) for doing all that.
If women in the same family fold are doing the same… crickets. That’s their job. That’s what moms do.
The one thing this woman said she needed to succeed was a wife, presumably like herself, to be supportive, super-human almost. To create and nurture a safe, pleasant and supportive family and household culture that would allow her to go out there and slay every day she needed to. A wife who helped feed and clothe and nurture the whole family. A wife who would rest assured get the kids to and from sport and music practices and appointments if work or other commitments called. A wife who would be cheering and encouraging their partner to find, follow and BE in their POWER.
Wives and mothers are amazing. It is a thankless space in so many ways as we are so often just expected to not only do all the heavy lifting in the home and with the family but these days also have the time, energy and bandwidth to slay all day in our careers – apparently because our fore-mothers and the witches that were burned paved the way for us to work. We ought to be grateful! We can have careers now too.
Our long-time (way over a decade now) housekeeper and nanny Lou pointed a thing out that further illustrates my point.
She was on the sidelines watching my youngest son (her kid too basically) play rugby when one of the dads was about to leave. Lou asked if he wasn’t going to watch the match, and he replied (to her horror) “Nah, I can’t stay I have to babysit.”
Babysit in this case apparently meant to go and look after his own kids. Can I just state the blindingly obvious to this dad, ahhh, that’s not babysitting that’s called being a parent.
Do you think a woman would ever refer to having to pick up the kids or take care of them as babysitting? I’d hazard a guess not. And perhaps men do see it as a job that they have to do outside the norm as their partner does do most of the heavy lifting.
When I am at a conference nobody asks a man who takes care of the kids when they travel for work, but rest assured they almost always ask me. Double standards we need to quash.
After these conversation I realized, that I do, indeed, currently have a wife. Not only a wife, the most beautiful, best wife.
Damon fusses over me. He does most of the cleaning and we both love to cook and entertain our friends and family. He’s a fierce and brave champion for myself and all the women in his world. He will take any of our many kids where they need to be if I am presenting or facilitating at an event, or have some work to do. He balances our cheque books and does all of the scheduling in our lives. He encourages me to be in my power whenever and however I can and he even used to make lovely nibble platters when I’d host goddesses for networking and catch ups. He often asks me “how can I improve myself to show up more fully for you?”… He keeps his curly silver locks a little long because that’s how I prefer them and he’s adopted a beard after being clean shaven for decades, also because I’d told him how much I like that. He’s a beautiful, supportive and incredibly fun partner. He is honoured that I call him my beautiful wife because he has spent 50 years on this earth surrounded by fierce, amazing and uber-capable women who are often wives and mothers so it is not emasculating.
In our household’s culture I am certainly the more masculine and un-refined energy. He has an undeniably feminine energy and he manscapes gleefully. He has even been known to go on the odd shopping and brunch adventure with our goddess friends while I do other (traditionally manly?) things. We both cry at so many things. Repair Shop reveals, for example, when people see their beloved memories restored always make us well up.
My daughter (she’s 16) is horrified that we call Damon my wife. She said it is perpetuating archaic stereotypes and lessening the power of the position by making fun. Are we making fun? A little. I genuinely think traditional gender roles instead of being the best version of yourself and contributing whatever sparks joy because you want to and/or you’re good at it is what we all gotta get behind.
Since I started referring to Damon as my wife, it came to our attention that a few of my friends (who identify as women) also have wives. Their marriages function best when the goddess in the relationship is in her power and smashing glass ceilings and bringing home that bacon while they do. Their partners (could be men, could be women, could also be trans or non-binary, felt it was important to put that point in) feather their nest, and are incredibly supportive of their careers and journey. They do most of the heavy lifting on a day to day with their kids (or pets, or plants if the couple has not decided to procreate) and report to me that they’re pretty chuffed with their role.
I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this. Damon pointed out as he read through this article that we started this all as a bit of a lighthearted in-joke, but it’s kinda become how we feel and are since we’ve both become more comfortable using the terminology. He is my beautiful wife. Is it wrong or worse disrespectful to use this term? Or is it a badge of honour acknowledging his skills, strengths and contributions to our marriage and life?
What do you think?
Thanks for reading. Feel free to share your thoughts I put this out there for feedback, so come at me if you have any.
Dee’s Meanderings 